


Instrumentality and Love

by sevendeadlysuns



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bisexual Male Character, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gay Male Character, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Kaworu is an artist because I said so, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Neon Genesis Evangelion Manga, Neon Genesis Evangelion References, No Sex, No Smut, Pining, Platonic Male/Male Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29625828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevendeadlysuns/pseuds/sevendeadlysuns
Summary: High School AU of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji & Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 7
Kudos: 17





	1. Self Expression

**Author's Note:**

> ***Please forgive any spelling/grammar errors. I only write for fun, so I'm not super well-versed in this sort of stuff.***

Shinj was lost. Hopelessly, desperately lost. He had been wandering around for what seemed like hours, slowly skipping and rewinding on his Walkman. He was growing tired of listening to the same songs, but he couldn’t let his head fill with the thoughts that normally run free. In short, Shinji was distracting himself. He didn’t want to have to deal with his own emotions. They were too frightening--too heavy to work with. So instead, he shoved them down.

Just as he was hitting the rewind button for the thousandth time, the rain started. At first, it was a soft, gentle patter that accompanied Shinji’s numbness perfectly, but it slowly turned more and more violent, until Shinji was trapped in a torrent of fat, wet raindrops, and ever-increasing lightning that streaked across the sky in bright flashes.

Shinji couldn’t take it anymore. Even if he were able to, he didn’t want to go home to Misato, who had likely been spending the night drinking or wallowing in self-hatred, but he also didn’t want to get soaked and cold in the rain. Although Shinji wanted to go somewhere, _anywhere_ , it seemed as though his feet were stuck to the ground.

He dropped to his knees on the grassy side of the hill he was standing on. Shinji clenched his fists in his lap, and stared down at his hands. He analyzed each knuckle, each fold of skin, the way the colours changed when lightning struck. Eventually, he couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. They rolled down his face, soaking already-wet skin. As if in time with his sobs, thunder clapped and lighting struck, and Shinji screamed out.

He screamed into the night with years of bottled-up rage to support his breath; he screamed into the night as if this was his last day on earth. Shinji didn’t know why he was screaming, just that it was ecstasy to release himself in this way. The wind picked up and blew a cool summer night’s breeze across his skin. Shinji didn’t realize how hot he felt until that relief blew across him. Even then, he only stopped screaming to breathe deep, heaving breaths. He screamed until he couldn’t anymore; he screamed until his throat felt raw and sore. And when he was done screaming, he collapsed forward.

The air felt dangerously quiet around him, like he had sucked all of the idle noise out of it. His silence bubbled up into sobs, which very quickly settled back down again into weeping. Shinji cried until his face was soaked with his warm tears; Shinji cried until his body felt lighter than before; Shinji cried until he felt worn out. He could easily tell that he had hit rock bottom. He fell asleep crying there on that hill.

* * *

Shinji woke up in an unfamiliar room. He was still wearing his previously-damp clothing, but he was warm, which suggested that he had been here, under these warm covers for a while. He looked around the room for a clock, or anything that would tell him the time. The blinds were drawn and the room was dark, but Shinji’s eyes adjusted quickly.

“Oh, you’re awake,” A voice Shinji couldn’t recognize said. Shinji whirled around to see a boy with silver-grey hair looking at him from the doorway.

“Who are you? Why am I here?” Shinji demanded. The boy laughed.

“My name is Kaworu Nagisa. I saw you asleep in the rain when I was out for a walk, so I brought you to my place. Sorry if that’s strange behaviour, but I didn’t want you freezing to death.” Kaworu responded.

“Oh. Okay,” Shinji mumbled quietly.

“May I ask what your name is?” Kaworu said.

“Oh. Right. My name is Shinji Ikari.” Shinji replied. “Thank you for your hospitality, but I have to get home, or at least--”

“Why don’t you stay with me?” Kaworu interrupted. “I’ve got an extra bed that you can use.” Shinji blushed at this.

“Again, thank you, but I have to let Misato know where I am, and that I’m going to be home soon.”

“Is Misato your Mother?”

“No, my mother died when I was three years old. Misato is my caregiver, and my father’s coworker.”

“Ah, I see. Do you need a telephone? You didn’t have one on you,” Kaowru offered.

“Yes, that would be great.”

“If you want, I can give you my phone number,” Kaworu mused. Shinji’s face reddened once more.

“Yes, I would like that,” He admitted. The boys exchanged information, and Shinji vowed to keep in touch. There was something odd--but fascinating--about Kaowru Nagisa. Whether it be the way he carried himself, the way he spoke, or his demeanor, Shinji was enthralled.

* * *

“Where have you been?” Misato demanded. “You’ve been gone for three whole days. On top of that, you didn’t bring your cellphone with you. You worried me to death and I couldn’t even contact you!”

“I’m sorry Misato. I won’t do it again,” Shinji replied dully.

_ That damn Kaworu! He didn’t tell me I had been asleep for a whole day! _ Shinji thought. Misato sighed.

“You can’t keep running away every time you don’t like your life. If I did that, I would be lost somewhere halfway around the world.” She scolded him. “You have to take responsibility, and stop running away!”

_ What’s so bad about running away if it gives me an escape?  _ Shinji thought, but he kept it to himself. That wasn’t what Misato wanted to hear.

“Suzuhara and Kensuke dropped off the homework you missed. I can’t believe you didn’t even tell  _ them _ where you were going,” Misato added, walking to the fridge to get another beer.

“I’m sorry,” Shinji mumbled. “Can I go do my homework?”

“Sure, just don’t stay up too late. You have school tomorrow.”

“Yeah, alright.” Shinji walked into the hallway adjacent to the entrance of the apartment he called home. He had been living there for years now, ever since his father decided that Shinji was too much of a burden to take care of. Shinji knew that there were nicer homes out there, but the small apartment was enough for him, Misato and Pen-Pen, their pet penguin. 

Shinji especially liked his bedroom, because he could look out the window and see above the tall buildings of New Tokyo-3. The sprawling city’s lights were comforting to him, but he loved being able to look out above them from his bed to the ocean, and admire the mountains surrounding the city.

Shinji was doing just that when his phone buzzed on his desk. He reached over and grabbed it, and saw he had one new notification from Kaworu’s number, as well as seventeen missed calls from a frantic Misato. He decided to answer Kaworu.

Kaworu, 9:34 P.M: Hello Shinji.

Shinji, 9:35 P.M: Hi!

Shinji, 9:37 P.M: Why didn’t you tell me I had been asleep for a whole day? Misato gave me an earful.

Kaworu, 9:37 P.M: Did she now? I’m sorry to hear that. Is there any way I can make it up to you?

Shinji, 9:37 P.M: I need a little help on homework, actually. I’m behind now. You seem like the smart type.

As the night wore on, Shinji ignored Misato’s advice about sleep schedules to stay up and talk to Kaworu. Their conversation chased the moon to bed.


	2. The Soul of Humanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shinji returns to school; he and Kaworu talk more after school is over.

When Shinji got to school, he was exhausted. He had stayed up all night texting Kaworu, and now he was facing the consequences.

“Jeez, Shinji. You look like you haven’t slept in a month,” Kensuke said as Shinji collapsed into his homeroom class seat. “What happened to you?”

Shinji blew air out of his mouth. “I had to stay up all night working on the homework I missed.”

Suzuhara laughed at that. “Well, yeah. If you miss three days of school you’re bound to have a ton of work to catch up on. Speaking of, do you have the answers to the chemistry questions, Kensuke?”

“So you lecture Shinji about the importance of not missing school, and then you slack off and ask me for the answers. Sounds about right,” Kensuke ridiculed.

“It’s okay Kensuke. I didn’t see it as a lecture,” Shinji laughed. “Although...those chemistry answers  _ would _ be awesome to have.”

“Fine,” Kensuke huffed and pulled the homework out of his bag.

* * *

Shinji was fighting his weighted eyelids as the day wore on. It would seem that staying up until the ungodly hours of the morning had taken a heavy toll on him, and he was struggling to combat the urge to sleep in his last periods of the day.

“ _ Psst _ ,” Kensuke whispered to Shinji in chemistry, one of the few classes they had together. “Hey, Shinji, you have to stay awake! You’ve already missed too much school to be falling asleep in class!”

“Right,” Shinji yawned. “My bad.”

At the front of the room, the teacher cleared his throat and shot a meaningful glare at the two of them, seated next to each other. Both Shinji and Kensuke sat up a little straighter, eyeing each other all the while.

After another 40 minutes of the chemistry teacher filling the room with the soft buzz of his monotonous voice, Shinji and Kensuke escaped into the hall to find Suzuhara already waiting for them.

“What took you two so long?” Suzuhara demanded.

“Sorry,” Kensuke said sheepishly. “The lesson ran late.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Suzuhara responded in fake nonchalance. He was dying to get to the point. Turning sly eyes and a raised brow on Shinji, he got to his question. “So Shinji, how’s Misato been?”

Shinji flushed red. Both Kensuke and Suzuhara were now staring at him, keen on finding out any information about Misato that Shinji was willing to divulge. It was no secret that the two sixteen-year-olds had a thing for Misato.

“Oh, well...She’s good, I guess…” Shinji replied slowly. “She’s been pretty busy at work, trying to get a promotion and all.”

“Ah, right,” Kensuke responded. As the boys walked home together, they assaulted Shinji with more questions about Misato,  _ dying _ to know more about her.

* * *

When Shinji walked into the apartment, he was greeted by a note scrawled on a pad of paper in Misato’s chicken-scratch handwriting.

_ Hey Shinji _ , it read.  _ I’m working late tonight. Don’t wait up for me. Dinner’s in the freezer, you just need to put it in the microwave for a couple minutes. I’ll probably be home earlier tomorrow evening. Have a good night, and don’t get to bed too late!!! _

Shinji sighed and pulled the note off of the wall. Although she was frequently messy and too energetic for her own good, it would be a lie to claim Misato didn’t care about him. She was never very upfront about it, but she showed her love in caring ways, like showing concern for Shinji, and making sure he was taken care of and fed every night. It was for this reason that Shinji was overwhelmed with guilt whenever he thought about running away (which was frequent). 

He cared about Misato too, but that didn’t stop him from wanting to leave. There were so many conflicting emotions in his life. Shinji often didn’t know which ones to listen to, and which ones he should ignore.

There was the bouncy, energetic lilt of recklessness, urging him to ignore his responsibilities and run. Run far, far away, and never look back, not even for a second. 

There was the croakey, flat tones of apathy, telling him to just give up, and stop trying. It was that same voice which often left Shinji in bed for days, listening to his tapes over and over again.

There was the rare, but honeyed, ringing of anger, which tried to convince Shinji to lash out at everyone around him. His anger was hardly listened to nowadays; it seemed to take too much energy to please it.

And how could he forget the gentle murmurings of loneliness? That was an emotion that tugged at his clothing, that comforted Shinji at his worst. It was awful, he knew that. Why should he turn to his loneliness like a coping mechanism; like a drug? Was that selfishness? But then again, burdening others is selfish too, is it not? Shinji would stay hooked on his undying sense of being alone long before he would turn to anyone for help. He knew this.

There were many others, and those emotions often seemed like disembodied voices in the wind. They spun Shinji in circles, leaving him stranded and alone, lost and confused. They were the major reason why he wanted to escape so bad; why he wanted to run forever and eventually be forgotten completely. It had never occurred to him that running away wouldn’t leave his emotions behind, but they would instead follow him like a predator stalks its prey.

Shinji was about to break down into tears on his bed when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He checked it, and waiting for him was a text from Kaworu. He immediately opened it, not caring if he looked desperate by doing so. He needed to talk to someone who really understood him, and that person was Kaworu.

Kaworu, 3:42 P.M: Good afternoon, Shinji.

Shinji, 3:43 P.M: Hi, Kaworu!

Kaworu, 3:43 P.M: How has your day been going? Have you eaten?

Shinji, 3:43 P.M: My day’s been alright, I’m pretty tired, though. I haven’t eaten yet, I will in around an hour or so.

Kaworu, 3:44 P.M: I’m sorry that I kept you up so late, Shinji. I wanted to get to know you a little better, I think.

Shinji, 3:44 P.M: It’s alright. I like talking to you. Speaking of getting to know people better, I barely know anything about you. We seem to live pretty close, but I haven’t seen you at school, or around the neighbourhood. What do you do in your spare time?

Kaworu, 3:45 P.M: I’m ahead of the grade level, so I stay home most of the time. You probably haven’t seen me around the neighbourhood because I do not like to stay here; I love going into nature to paint. There’s something about painting in the mountains that seems to capture the soul of humanity, I believe. No matter what differences subgroups of our population might have, there is something in nature that unites us all. I could take you to my favourite spot, if you would like.

Shinji's face turned bright red before he shot back his response.

Shinji, 3:48 P.M: Wow, that’s a really profound thought. I would like to visit the place you’re talking about with you Kaworu, if that’s alright.

Kaworu, 3:48 P.M: Lovely. Can you come to my house at Noon tomorrow?

Shinji, 3:49 P.M: Tomorrow at Noon? I have school.

Kaworu, 3:49 P.M: Is skipping one day horrible? If so, we can go on Saturday.

Shinji glanced at the small calendar he kept on his desk. Saturday was three days away.

Shinji, 3:49 P.M: I already missed a few days this week. My teachers will start to notice if I skip tomorrow. Saturday works for me, though.

Kaworu, 3:50 P.M: It’s a plan. See you then, Shinji.

Shinji, 3:50 P.M: See you on Saturday.

Shinji fell backwards to lie on his back on top of his covers, and let a breath out in happiness. His cheeks were sore from grinning, and he noticed that he had been smiling since Kaworu had texted him for the first time this afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know of any typos if you see them. I hope you enjoyed chapter 2!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I know it's kind of short, but I'm hoping the chapters will get longer as I keep writing them. This ship is one of my comforts, so I hope I can write a good story for them :)


End file.
